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Most of us are not very good at carrying on conversations. Some of us dread making conversation. It makes us nervous. We feel awkward. On the other hand, some of us like to converse, but find the conversations we get into are limited; they get stuck pretty quickly, they don’t go anywhere. The way we generally talk with each other is what one could call contractual conversation.
Creating conversation is listening to what someone said and responding by building off of it. It’s not:
The key word here is listening. We use contractual conversation in order to stay away from each other, to stay away from the emotional experience of creating something with someone. It’s hard to listen because then you have to allow yourself to be impacted by what you hear. You are changed because of what you heard. You allow yourself be touched by the other person. When you are truly listening, you cannot simply move forward with your own agenda. Contractual conversation would be like two people doing two projects in the same room, whereas creative conversation is like two people writing a poem together. It means creating another kind of conversation—something different than what we are used to. It’s changing how we speak, becoming both better listeners and better question askers. It’s slowing down: asking big questions about little things, things we never think to ask a question about and asking questions that may not have answers. It’s having the cornerstone of our conversations become listening. It’s allowing ourselves to be impacted by what we hear, and directing what we say to become a building activity rather than a competing activity. Generally, what we think of as important in conversation is what we have to say. What if we focused our conversations on not what I’m thinking about but how I’m thinking about it. This leads to a different kind of conversation. That is what I call “philosophizing.” In a “philosophizing” conversation we:
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TALKS WE WERE INSPIRED TO WRITE: |
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Shelley Karliner is a psychotherapist who has helped thousands of people from all walks of life develop new emotional capacities and create healthy intimate relationships. She was trained at the East Side Institute for Group and Short Term Psychotherapy by Fred Newman, the founder of the social therapeutic approach to emotional development. She gives talks and workshops on topics related to the emotionality of everyday life. |
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Grow. There’s Nothing Stopping You. Feel better. Shelley Karliner and Tricia Bassing, Licensed Psychotherapists |
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